You will see me use the phrase ‘due diligence’ a lot in my writing. It is something I believe in very strongly. And something that most people don’t do, which always just amazes me. In both the online world and in real life, I see dominants and submissives both jumping into all of this D/s stuff and ignoring all other details of life. They talk about the submission and the BDSM, and of course, the sex. But they don’t talk about things like jobs and kids and money and religion and ethics and values and morals and beliefs. And so what I see happen time and time again is that this collaring or relationship lasts about 6 weeks, which is long enough for everyone to get their rocks off before the image begins to tarnish and real life rears its ugly head.
Due diligence is what you do BEFORE you get to the BDSM or D/s part. It’s the real life stuff that you do and believe, day in and day out. Because you can be the perfect submissive and he can be the perfect dominant, but if your life philosophies don’t line up, you are doomed for failure. If your life goals don’t line up, you are doomed for failure. And chances are that you will miss some bit of information that may have allowed you to avoid a bad situation.
How do you do your due diligence? Well, you TALK. You put the BDSM play on hold and you just talk about life. See, we’re all so excited to get to the good parts that we skip over the work. Any relationship takes commitment and work. So if you don’t respect yourself enough to take the time to get to know the person you plan to submit to, then the reality is that you end up getting what you deserve. You are worth more than that. When the dominant with whom you are exploring refuses to participate in due diligence, that should be your cue to say, ‘thank you, but I don’t think we are a good match.’ You don’t owe this person any more than that. And if this person takes that as a cue to begin harassing you, you have the right to block him and move on.
It’s important, if you are truly seeking a relationship, that you are talking to someone you can actually live with outside of a BDSM frame. How do they feel about kids? Money? Religion/Spirituality? Work? Family? Politics? Education? What kind of food do they like? Hobbies they have? What baggage do they carry? How will that baggage affect your baggage? What are their dreams? Their goals? How do they feel about drugs, alcohol and tobacco? What other things are important to you? Volunteerism? Travel? Spending time with your family and friends? All of these things are important.
And within this talk, you cover the philosophy of your own submission and what you value in a D/s dynamic. You talk about things like limits and rules and safewords and protocol. So there is ultimately no misunderstanding between you. Who is responsible for what? What is your role? What is the dominant’s role? No misunderstandings.
Due diligence can help you to find the person that you not only will submit to, but may forge a longterm relationship with. If that is your ultimate goal, then doing your due diligence should be more important than how quickly you get to the SM and the sex. Take your time. It’s not a race to the finish line, it’s the rest of your life. Isn’t that important enough to actually spend time finding the one who fits ALL aspects of your life?