What ifs and regrets

The few weeks since Justin passed have been a roller coaster of emotion. I have received the kink items that I requested from one source, and I have received his wedding ring, collar, boots, and jacket from his dad. They are all here, in the closet or on my dresser. I feel more at peace just being able to touch these items, to feel the energy, Justin’s energy. They are bringing me comfort.


I’ve been struggling with the what ifs and regrets. If he had stayed here in May instead of going home, would he still be here? If he had, would I have survived the emotional and physical toll that caregiving while working was taking? I know that the what ifs are futile. There is no answer to them. But I can’t help the circular thoughts.


I’ve also been struggling with some things that have been said to me about our relationship. That I left him and he was moving on. I wasn’t. I was stuck. In limbo. I’m still in a limbo of sorts. There was always that hope that he would find something to spark him. Get him out of the depression and back to life. And so I kept sitting at home, waiting and hoping. Even while trying to push him to find something. And so, some things have been said to me about all of that mess and I have internalized it all. Which has led me to question myself and what I know and believe to be true.


So tonight, emotional masochist that I am, I read through our most recent yahoo chats from September and October. Me asking about counseling and rehab and getting out into the world, and him asking about me and Emmy the cat, and if we had a baby yet. And in the conversation we talked about the choices he had made, the things that led him to be in NC, that had led to us being apart. And in the course of that conversation, he said to me, “You are and have been the most important woman in my life, and probably will be for the rest of my life.”


And so tonight, even though a part of me is still struggling, I will go to bed knowing that statement to be true. That no matter what choices he made, he really did feel that way. No matter what anyone may say to me, the people who didn’t see or weren’t part of the whole picture, I will always have that.


Being surrendered property in an M/s relationship changes the wiring in your head. And it will take time to rewire my head to being unowned. To letting go of that surrendered place and finding myself again as an individual. I know that it will take time. And some focus on my part. It won’t happen today or tomorrow, but it will happen. Tonight I will sleep easier, though, having read those words of his again.

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