Transparency and a Reflection of the First Year

Another reflective piece written in March 2010.

Monday is our one-year anniversary. I tend to be a reflective person, especially at anniversary time or end of season/year. I’ve been reflecting quite a bit lately as our relationship grows and strengthens. This is the result of some of that reflection.

I learned very early in life how to shut down my emotions for emotional protection due to a number of not good things that happened and due to the emotional vampyric nature of many of my family members. I love my family, am physically close to them, but remain a bit emotionally distant. Because of all of that, I have spent my entire adult life with my emotions walled off, both to the outside world and largely to myself. My way of dealing with emotional issues was to shut it off. I spent many, many years unable to cry, unable to get too extreme on either side of the emotional spectrum. I stayed pretty much calm, unengaged, unemotional.

I didn’t realize that I had blocked off the ability to actually ‘feel’ the emotions. I thought that I had just blocked off the expression of the emotions. I thought that I still felt them, because I have experienced sadness, anger, hurt, love, joy, etc. I didn’t realize the extent that I had shut it all down.

Then along comes Justin.

The first time I actually cried in literally years was leaving him at the airport in Atlanta. So even before he arrived in Arizona, he had already broken down those emotional walls enough that I was actually crying real tears. That freaked me out a little bit at the time. But I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about it.

One of the tenets of our O/p dynamic is that of transparency. Not pretend transparency, but full on, the real thing, full disclosure transparency. I really didn’t know if I would be able to do that when we came into this, but like everything I try, I went whole hog into it. For awhile, I’m sure Justin kind of slogged through a lot of what I was being transparent about. I had never been open on any level with my thoughts and feelings like that. Not even with my best friend of 33 years. I have always kept things very close to the vest.

It’s interesting what happens when the emotional walls come down and you begin to open up the emotions again. Because I’ve never allowed myself to truly experience emotions beyond the very simple, I don’t know how to deal with anything beyond that. And so I feel myself getting a bit overwhelmed with them all. Some of it is fear – I’ve become so amazingly transparent with Justin that he truly does have the ability to destroy me. That has created almost paralyzing fear. And the inclination to start shutting things off again. But I fight that by talking to him. I journal for him and he responds. We talk about it. It doesn’t fix it, or teach me how to handle it, but it does help to center me and relax me.

Transparency has been an amazing thing for me. I’ve learned in this last year that I truly can say anything to Justin. Anything. And it’s not going to change the way he sees me. I love the level of transparency we’ve reached on both sides, because while he is not as transparent as I am, he is more transparent than he ever has been in any relationship before. And we’ve committed to always being that transparent. He works on being more transparent with me.

But something amazingly frightening has come out of this level of transparency. Justin truly holds my soul in his hands. He has the ability to completely destroy me. There’s a part of me that is joyous about that. That is exactly where my soul belongs, in his hands. But there is another part that is feeling paralyzing fear. That fear, combined with my inexperience in dealing with emotions at all, has me feeling completely out of control. I’m still trying to get my emotions under control when I realize that I’m completely emotionally dependent on Justin now. And when I think about it, it just wigs me out a bit to realize I truly am owned – heart, mind, body, soul – by Justin. It’s not just a catch phrase in our dynamic, it’s the real thing.

This is what we were shooting for. Total transparency. Total soul ownership. In one year’s time. Now, the key is to learn, from my perspective, to maintain it without freaking out and without letting the fear take over. I’m working on it. Slowly. And Justin’s patience with me and the process is amazing. I continue to marvel at our relationship. It truly is the healthiest adult relationship I’ve ever had. And while this emotional adjustment is a bump in the road, everything we deal with we deal with together as a united front. And it all just continues to make us stronger.

Monday is our one-year anniversary. When I look back at how we came together, I’m amazed at our relationship today. Talking online and on the phone for a couple of months, one 5-hour meeting at the Atlanta airport, and 3 weeks later he flies 2000 miles across the country to move in with me and Bratgirl (my then-14yo daughter). The bumps in the road have almost all been from external forces. Justin and I don’t fight. There are no shouting matches or slinging of the collar, or walking out the door. We remain at the moment monogamous in both play and sex, but the future possibility of becoming more open still remains on the table. We are very active in the local community. We have goals and dreams together.

I continue to receive the odd message telling me what a predator Justin is. I’ve lived with this man for a year now. I just don’t see it. One can’t change their character, who they are inside, although I know that actions can change with the dynamic of the relationship. I think those who still believe the things they believe about Justin are people who are sadly stuck in the past. In my eyes, he’s actually a pretty amazing person, and I plan to stay his property as long as he continues to love and want me as such.

People often message me to request an update. We came together in a very public way on Fetlife. The update is that life is truly good, I am in the healthiest adult relationship I’ve ever had, and I belong to this man heart, mind, body, and soul, forever and ever. I believe that I’m right where God intended me to be. And I’m staying.

©Beachgurl 2010

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