This post was prompted by a post on Fetlife asking about slaves and limits – not doing things just because the D-type gets enjoyment from it, but because things have a purpose.
Slavery isn’t about limits or doing things just because. Slavery for me is about surrendering to the will of another. When you surrender to the will of another, it no longer is about you, it’s about that other person. If you’re looking for ‘safe’ in that you won’t be asked to do things you don’t like or don’t want to do, then slavery isn’t for you, no matter with whom you partner. Sometimes it IS about “because I said so”. Sometimes it IS about “because I can”. That entertains him, which pleases him. Sometimes it IS about pushing a limit. Sometimes it IS about doing something outside of your comfort zone. The point isn’t specifically about the act itself, it is about obedience and ownership.
Do your needs matter? Absolutely. As a human being, we all have needs and those needs must be met. Not necessarily on your time frame, but they must be met. When I talk about needs, I’m not just talking about the basic needs for survival of food, shelter and clothing. I’m talking about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. If you partner with someone who doesn’t believe in needs above the most basic, then you get what you get. You need to know that you’re going to be physically and emotionally safe. You need to know that you are going to be secure. You need to know that you are going to be respected. Once those things are in place, being put into uncomfortable positions will allow you growth, even as it brings you discomfort.
Many s-types look at slavery from a perspective of “I don’t want to do x,y,z.” Looking at it from that perspective is going to make the journey very difficult. You cannot achieve surrender if you are thinking about what you can’t or won’t do. You have to shift your thinking if you are looking towards slavery. You have to stop thinking about things you don’t like or don’t want to do and think about what you will gain from surrendering to the will of another. You have to shift your priorities so that the will of the owner becomes a higher priority than your wants and discomfort. The question you most have to ask yourself is not ‘what will s/he make me do?’ but ‘am I willing and able to place his/her desires/needs above my own?’.
Once you prioritize your owner above yourself, once you reach surrender (which not all slaves reach or aspire to reach), limits won’t matter one bit. You will do things you never thought you’d do, sometimes just for the sake of his/her amusement. And you’ll crave doing those things.
I read a journal entry last night on Fetlife about what ‘slave’ means to her. I believe the point she was making was the difference between submitting and surrendering. She talked about how slavery, her idea of slavery, was something that could only truly exist in a 24/7 live-in relationship. For myself, that is equally true. Reaching a level of full surrender requires contact. And once you reach that level of surrender, time apart is very difficult. Autonomy isn’t something that a slave seeks or wants. Being property/slave rises above all else, and fulfilling that role becomes most important.
Some say that means you have an unhealthy relationship, that you’re co-dependent in harmful ways. No, it just means they don’t understand the difference between co-dependent and surrender. Our relationship is not co-dependent, it is inter-dependent. We have a mutually beneficial relationship that has created mutual need for the other. And that is ultimately the point.