Yesterday would have been my sixth anniversary with my late Sir. It was a bittersweet day. There have been lots of ‘firsts’ since October, others since May, and each one has brought its own lessons and feelings. Sin in the City was no different.
Attending events alone is both comforting and difficult. People ask if I’m coming to the dungeon space at night, and I’m always a little taken aback. No, I didn’t buy a dungeon pass because I don’t have someone to play with. Most of the tops I know and might enjoy playing with are partnered, so the chances of playing is low. I take my toy bag anyway, because you never know what might happen. And at the end of the event I always wonder why I bothered to carry it up from the car. That sounds like I’m whining or being petulant but that isn’t how I mean it. It’s my own baggage that keeps me from playing, not someone else’s. There are lots of things tied up in that for me, and I’m slowly working through them.
I often find myself now sitting alone at presentations or ceremonies. I’m comfortable being alone, but it also brings a bit of melancholy because of what I’m missing beside me. A sweet slave girl came to sit with me both Friday and Saturday nights because my sitting alone bothered her a bit. She said to me, “I’m sure you’re just fine with it, but it bothers me.” Yes, I am fine with it, but I also enjoyed her company and the ability to chat as we observed. So thank you for sitting with me, sweet girl.
I found myself wandering the halls a lot. Not sure of my place. Enjoying myself, but not wanting to horn in on others who were already grouped. I found myself wanting to escape to the smoking area, as is usual with me, but the smoking area sucked. At times I wanted to just sit in the main area to observe, but the seating at the venue sucked. There were no places to just plop down and observe. My lower back is still a bit sore today from all the walking and standing because things were so spread out at this venue and there was literally no seating along the way.
One of the biggest hurdles I must get over is feeling out of place. I keep wondering just what my place is now and often not coming up with anything. That was felt even more at SITC this year. I know that I will find that place, it’s just in this space of limbo where I’m struggling with it.
I did, however, make connections this weekend. I met new people and got to spend quality time with people I love. A couple of visits by the pool. A couple of meals shared. Visits in rooms. Visits in hallways and vendor spaces and bootblack area. Extended time spent just talking with a person I don’t get that time with often enough. Several personal times shared with someone I love who lives far away. Some ideas planted, some grief shared, healing shared. Time spent with members of my Soul Tribe.
Yesterday was a day of melancholy. But it was also a day of remembering who I am. And a day of finding a few more steps forward on my new path. The path becoming more fleshed out and less nebulous. And connections made with those who walk it with me.
I miss Justin every day. Some days more than others. Events that we shared bring it more to the forefront. I’m told that I will always have times when I miss him. Some days are less than others. It’s only been a few months. I know all of that. And I truly am moving forward, even if some days those steps are tiny baby steps. The new path is both exciting and overwhelming. Not quite what I had planned, but clearly what Spirit had planned. I’m finding my footing and it’s becoming more solid. I’m no longer paralyzed by it all. And I’m so grateful for the people in my Tribe and the opportunities that I have for connecting with them. Life is moving forward and I’m moving forward with it. A good reminder that came to me this weekend.