Slaves and Limits…Is There Such a Thing?

This post was prompted by a post on Fetlife asking about slaves and limits – not doing things just because the D-type gets enjoyment from it, but because things have a purpose.

Slavery isn’t about limits or doing things just because. Slavery for me is about surrendering to the will of another. When you surrender to the will of another, it no longer is about you, it’s about that other person. If you’re looking for ‘safe’ in that you won’t be asked to do things you don’t like or don’t want to do, then slavery isn’t for you, no matter with whom you partner. Sometimes it IS about “because I said so”. Sometimes it IS about “because I can”. That entertains him, which pleases him. Sometimes it IS about pushing a limit. Sometimes it IS about doing something outside of your comfort zone. The point isn’t specifically about the act itself, it is about obedience and ownership. Continue reading

How I Came to be Transparent

When Sir and I came together, one of his bottom line, non-negotiable requirements was that of full transparency. I had lived my entire life keeping all of my innermost thoughts and feelings to myself. I had been taught from an early age that no one cares about my dreams, hopes, thoughts, feelings, problems, questions, etc. Not only didn’t they care, but to express them in any way was to burden someone else with my selfishness. I learned to be strong and self-sufficient. I was the sounding board for everyone in my life, but learned never to ask for help myself. I learned to rein in my emotions as well. To express overt happiness or sadness, anger or frustration, celebration or grief, all meant I was either burdening others or gloating. I learned to have no expectations of others. I truly was my own island. Continue reading

Dance of Souls . . . My First Time

Dance of Souls. Flesh hooks. Drums. Piercing. Pulling. Dance of Souls.

This is something I’ve considered in years past, but been too fearful to try alone. It just didn’t seem right to do this on my own. Then Sir and I saw Cookie Haworth do a hook suspension demo/scene. That changed everything. We’ve been planning to be hooked ever since, and have both looked forward to the Dance.

First, I should say that I’ve never played with needles nor have I ever had anything pierced besides my ears when I was a kid. Sir cuts me and feeds from me, but I knew that the piercing would be different from a scalpel. I really had no idea what to expect it top feel like, and the thought made me a bit anxious at times. But I was determined to do this, and so did not allow my anxiety to stop me. Continue reading

Transparency and a Reflection of the First Year

Another reflective piece written in March 2010.

Monday is our one-year anniversary. I tend to be a reflective person, especially at anniversary time or end of season/year. I’ve been reflecting quite a bit lately as our relationship grows and strengthens. This is the result of some of that reflection.

I learned very early in life how to shut down my emotions for emotional protection due to a number of not good things that happened and due to the emotional vampyric nature of many of my family members. I love my family, am physically close to them, but remain a bit emotionally distant. Because of all of that, I have spent my entire adult life with my emotions walled off, both to the outside world and largely to myself. My way of dealing with emotional issues was to shut it off. I spent many, many years unable to cry, unable to get too extreme on either side of the emotional spectrum. I stayed pretty much calm, unengaged, unemotional. Continue reading

Definitions in BDSM . . . An Exercise in Frustration

There has been an ongoing debate on Fetlife about whether one can be a slave if one is unowned. That has led me to thinking. I wonder why it is that in WIITWD we can never come to agree on the base definition of terminology. It’s such an interesting phenomenon to me. In my opinion, the base, understood definition of a word shouldn’t change just because we’re using it in a BDSM context.

And yet, because the base definition doesn’t apply to the person who wants to use the term, usually a title, because they like the sound of it or they believe the title fits their personality, people think it’s okay just to change the basic definition to fit themselves rather than come up with a term that DOES fit what it is that they do or are. And they become outraged when someone points out that the term doesn’t fit them. Because they can be anything they want to be and make words mean anything they want them to mean. Continue reading

Our Due Diligence

This was first posted on my Fetlife blog in 2009, shortly after Sir and I came together.

In a group I frequent, a friend sort of coined the phrase ‘due diligence’. Justin and I have sort of adopted it as our own since we’ve come together. And recently I’ve had a couple of people ask me specifically to talk about what it means to me and how this helped Justin and I come together well. And so I’ll give this a try.

I see so many submissives come into this life who are so eager to get to the BDSM part of things that they forget it’s about human relationships. People talk about limits and how someone pushed their limits or broke their trust. And it turns out when that happens that they didn’t do their ‘due diligence’ before starting up. They were in such a hurry that all they talked about was BDSM, not real life. That’s where I see the biggest mistakes happening in new D/s relationships. Continue reading

Rights and Responsibilities of a Submissive

When I first discovered the online world of BDSM, I read everything I could get my hands on. Everything. There is a lot of information out there. Some of it is pretty good. Some of it is built on realism. But a lot of it is built on fantasy, much of it by people who have never entered into a D/s relationship in real life. The problem for many submissives when they first begin exploring is the ability to determine which is which. And so people take what sounds good to them and they discard the rest. While this is how you should always take in information about BDSM, the problem with it is that, without any practical experience, you don’t know if what you are taking in remotely resembles real life or not.

The first thing that you should know is that identifying as submissive or slave does not mean that you have lost the right to say no. It does not mean that you have to do whatever anyone who identifies as dominant tells you to do. Until you have entered into a relationship where you have done your due diligence and you have negotiated the rules of the relationship, you do not have to agree to anything that you don’t like. That’s what negotiation is all about. That’s what due diligence is all about. Continue reading

Care, Feeding, and Maintenance of a Top

Guest post by Justin…

The things that I believe are required for the “care, feeding and maintenance” of a top:

Obedience: Over the years it has surprised me that in every place that this question has been asked, that this did not rank much higher in the order of things listed and that a large amount of time went by before it was listed at all.

On another list someone expressed another part that I think goes hand in hand with obedience, blind faith. Obedience quite simply is the ability to do as you are told promptly, with pleasure and without having to ask a multitude of questions. An example being, If I say “put this knife on the edge of the table” Then put the knife on the edge of the table. Not, “But why do you want the knife on the edge of the table?” Not, “But that is not how a table is set”. Not, “Are you sure that you want the knife on the edge of the table?” or any other questions. The “why” game is generally played by 5 year olds, which is not to say that there are never times when “why” is not a pertinent question to be asked. There are times but I won’t even go into the idiocies of pairing oneself with a top who would expect you to cut off your hand. Continue reading

Saying no…a lesson in personal power and submission

I am writing this from a male dominant/female submissive perspective because that is my world view. However, I believe that it applies to any combination of dominant and submissive. I am not intentionally excluding anyone, just using specific pronouns for ease of writing.

When I first became aware of the online world of BDSM, I read everything I could find. I gained an impression of dominance and submission from the many things I read. I knew who I was and what I wanted, had realized quickly why previous relationships worked out the way they had, but I didn’t know how to go about finding someone who would be a good match for me. And saying ‘no’ has always been very hard for me, because I’m a pleaser.

It took me awhile to learn how to hold onto my personal power until I was ready to give it to someone else. I knew that every time I exchanged messages with a prospective partner, and he immediately went into the ‘kneel bitch’ or started calling me ‘girl’ or ‘slut’ or ‘little one’, my hackles rose. When he started telling me things to do or would avoid my efforts to move the conversation into more vanilla territory, I would become very uncomfortable. But I had a difficult time stating that to him and stopping communications. I worried that he would think ill of me. I thought that doing that was something good submissives didn’t do. It took a bit of experimentation, a little mentoring, but I eventually ‘got it’. Continue reading

Care, Feeding, and Maintenance of a Top – From a submissive Perspective

I wrote this in February 2009 while still talking long distance with Sir before we were physically together. I’m leaving it intact, even though much of it sounds so simplistic and single-minded. It still has some important information, and it’s awesome to read this now and see how much I’ve grown as a person and as a slave.

I had a conversation last night about a thread in my group that made me think about something I don’t often think about – what it is that I do that is ‘submissive’ and how valued or not that is by a d-type. One of the things that I’ve always had difficulty with is defining just what it is about me that makes me submissive behavior-wise. And the question that was posted made me think about activities, but it was also about traits. The two, in my mind, actually are the same. But I don’t think that is so for others. Also, there are many things that I do without consciously thinking about them that, turns out, are the kinds of things that the post I read was about. Continue reading