Getting ready for another SWLC brings a lot of memories, both good and not so good. I wrote a journal entry back in August, that I could have easily written again today, pretty much word for word. It’s a little bit of a wake-up call to realize that today.
I have been stuck, for lack of a better word, for a long time now. I have basically been hibernating for about 20 months. Stuck in this limbo. Not sure what it is that I want so that I can move forward. I still go to work each morning and come home each night to sit in my living room and stare at the computer screen with the TV droning in the background for noise. I sit on my porch or putter around the kitchen, but don’t often leave unless I have to. And in this time I have gained probably 20 pounds that my body didn’t really need to gain. I’ve been dealing with a few health issues that don’t seem to want to go away, and that are probably made worse by the weight gain. I’ve had financial stresses and work stresses. Bratgirl, who is now 21, has come home to stay for a bit, disrupting my normal, sedentary, hibernating routine.
The Universe wants to shake things up, get me out of this hibernation. I keep fighting it. I keep choosing ‘safe’. Taking the first step is the hardest. I can think and plan all day long, but if I keep stalling and avoiding that first step, then nothing will change.
I realized this weekend that I have nothing to wear that fits me because of this weight gain, and no real money to change that fact. I’m probably going to walk more in this coming weekend than I’ve walked at all in the last month. I’m going to be running around like crazy doing this volunteer job I’ve signed up to do, and I’m really looking forward to it. It’s the first thing to get me truly excited since Edgewalkers. But the most important part of the weekend will be Dance of Souls. I’m walking in there this year with the intention of letting go. Finally letting go of the need for this safety net, letting go of unattainable wishes, letting go of all that I’ve been clinging to that isn’t serving me in any positive way. I’m walking in there with the intention of opening up to all the Universe has to offer me. To fully embracing my new path and walking it with intention and determination.
Funny how my ‘resolutions’ begin with SWLC and Dance of Souls rather than New Years Eve. I’m excited to spend the weekend with my larger Tribe. I’m excited to be doing a job that will allow me to spend a lot of time with some really great people. I’m excited to know that the weekend will end with a very positive ritual that will feed me for the coming year. And so on that note, here’s to an amazing SWLC 2016, and an even better year ahead.