I have been asked a question that has led me to some rather deep introspection. And so I decided to answer her question in the form of a journal entry rather than just respond lightly to her question.
How do you know you are ‘slave’?
That was not an easy question for me for a long time, as I was terribly opposed to the use of the word ‘slave’ in association with myself. I was careful to always put on my online profile “submissive but not a slave”. And when someone would tell me I wasn’t submissive enough, I would tell him maybe it was a slave he was seeking. A feminist can’t be a slave. A slave is just a robot who does what she’s told. A slave has no thoughts of her own. All of these were things that I thought of when I thought of a slave. I had no idea what I was talking about.
How do I know that I’m a slave? I know because my purpose in life is his happiness. It’s that simple. When my happiness becomes more important than his happiness is to me, then I will know that I’m no longer a slave. For me, it truly is that simple. Everything else revolves around that one thing.
Now, that does not mean that there are not times when what I need takes precedence. That would be absurd. I’m a human being who has needs that have to be fulfilled in order for me to be a fully productive member of society. I didn’t say I gave up my needs. I said his needs come first. And if I am to ‘protect the property’, which is to fulfill one of his requirements of me, then I have to learn to attend to my needs and I have to learn to ask for what I need from him. That does not remove his dominance nor does it remove my submission.
I also know I am slave because there is nothing important about me, my past, my thoughts, my entire being that he does not know. I am fully transparent with him always. My soul is wide open to him, there are no filters between what I feel and him. That can only happen if I truly am owned by him. I withhold nothing.
I think that we try to view slavery as something we can see and touch. We want to be able to look at someone and say ‘s/he is slave.’ But the fact of the matter is that we can’t. Sure, I have some behaviors that someone who is aware might say, ‘oh, she is a slave.’ And even vanilla people say about some of my behaviors, ‘that is devotion and love.’ But there is not a specific act or specific thought that makes one a slave.
People seem to argue about personality versus desire when talking about slaves. I know from years of self-exploration that my basic personality is one that is highly conducive to being a slave. I have the inclination and desire to fully turn myself over to another person, to devote my life to that one person. However, that is ultimately dependent upon the person as to whether I surrender fully or just go through the motions. I’m not going through the motions any longer. And because of that, I’m much better able to see myself and my role and slavery in a whole new light. I have a much deeper understanding of all of them.
So, how do I know I am slave? Because my purpose in life is my Sir. And he owns me, heart, mind, body, and soul.