Finding Normal

I was asked earlier today if I’ve written anything else about what is happening in my life, and I realized that I haven’t. I’ve been hibernating, and that is something I promised myself I wouldn’t do much of. There’s a lot of stuff that has been going on for awhile now, and I’m still really processing the changes that have come. But I realize that things have been a bit cryptic, and so thought writing might both clear some things up for people who have followed our journey from the beginning and maybe help me with some of my own processing. This writing may ramble a bit as it’s sort of stream of consciousness, so read at your own risk.

There will be people who will judge our situation. People who haven’t been with us throughout the journey, people not in our closest circle of friends. Some will judge me harshly. Some may judge Justin harshly. Everyone is free to form their own opinions, I just hope that those who actually care about each of us will respect us enough to ask us directly rather than make shit up. But I know that’s a lot to ask. We do love judging those we find unworthy, especially if what we think happened knocks someone down a peg or two in our minds.

First, Justin and I are still married and will remain so for now. I know that I’m in an emotional state that isn’t conducive to making permanent decisions, so I’m not forcing myself to make any life decisions for awhile. We’re both okay with that for now. For all intents and purposes, our relationship – both M/s and marriage – is over. But we remain close, we talk every day, and we love each other. I don’t think those things will change anytime soon. At least, not for me. I can’t speak for Justin. Maybe one day he’ll want to write the story from his own perspective.

I am not seeking a relationship, a date, or anything else at the moment other than to be around people who love me and accept me as I am. I may be seeking a play partner or two in the near future, but I’m sitting on that one for a bit. Right now, my focus is on me. Finding myself again. Learning to breathe again. Learning how to function with no expectations on my time and energy. Figuring out what a slave does when they aren’t someone’s slave anymore. Thinking about possibilities – what is it I really want – to do, to be, to have?

What happens when a slave is released? How do you rewire your brain so that you are able to change your focus? The first two days I wandered around in a fog. I had pretty much a complete mental shutdown. Not breakdown, just shutdown. I couldn’t think, my mind was empty. I just wandered through the days, without direction, without thought. The third day, my daughter arrived for an overnight visit because of a court appearance. She brought me out of the nothingness, and so for two days I focused on her.

I lost something during that time that I had been using as a sort of focal point, a project I was looking forward to, but I’m learning there will be others to replace it. A big one that I need to get moving on before it, too, is pulled away from me. I need to decide what projects call to me and just what I want my role in this community to be now. It’s all sort of new. A new normal.

After my daughter’s visit, I went back to work. I finished the week working from home, then back to the office full time the following Monday. Being in the office again has been really good for me. It has brought me some feelings of normalcy. Getting up early, commuting to Fountain Hills, talking to co-workers face-to-face instead of via skype. It feels good to put on work clothes and feel like a grown up.

I redesigned my living space, bought a few new things for it, and it really feels like my sanctuary. I’ve been working hard to fill it with crystals and sacred things to infuse it with amazing energy. I still have a big blank spot on one wall that is begging to be covered. The right thing hasn’t quite yet come along, though. It will. I have faith that the Universe will deliver it to me – the right thing at the right time.

It’s funny what happens when you let go. When you surrender to the Universe. When you realize that it’s okay to have no expectations of anyone or anything. Everything will come to me when it’s time. I feel more at peace right now in this moment than I think I’ve ever felt in my life. I’m at peace with the decisions that have been made and with the changes that have occurred. I’m finding my voice and using it to say exactly what I mean and feel. This is a good place to be.

I’ll be getting out more. I’ll be going to coffee and to APEX and to whatever calls to me. And sometimes, I’ll just stay home. But the idea that my time is my own and the decisions are mine is something I’m getting used to. It will take awhile. I’m okay with that.

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