I wrote this in February 2009 while still talking long distance with Sir before we were physically together. I’m leaving it intact, even though much of it sounds so simplistic and single-minded. It still has some important information, and it’s awesome to read this now and see how much I’ve grown as a person and as a slave.
I had a conversation last night about a thread in my group that made me think about something I don’t often think about – what it is that I do that is ‘submissive’ and how valued or not that is by a d-type. One of the things that I’ve always had difficulty with is defining just what it is about me that makes me submissive behavior-wise. And the question that was posted made me think about activities, but it was also about traits. The two, in my mind, actually are the same. But I don’t think that is so for others. Also, there are many things that I do without consciously thinking about them that, turns out, are the kinds of things that the post I read was about.
Things that, to me, are absolutes and really don’t need to be verbalized are things that others apparently need to have spelled out for them. Things that I sometimes see others say or do seem counter to who/what they profess to be, in my opinion. For me, the things that are given, things that I don’t think need to be spelled out but just ‘are’ for a submissive/slave:
Obedience – If you submit, isn’t a very large expectation that part of your submission will be to obey? And not just when you feel like it, but at all times? If I’m told to do something, I do it. No questions asked, no justifications needed, I just do it. If I don’t understand the task, I may ask for direction, but 9 times out of 10, I’m going to attempt it without even asking because I’m pretty smart and can usually figure it out. And if I find that it’s more complicated than I thought, I’ll probably try to get more input without asking him for direction, unless I run out of time or options. Obedience is something that I don’t think about, don’t need to be taught, because it’s something I do without thinking about it. And I’m often surprised to find that isn’t a common trait among s-types. In fact, I recently saw a new ‘slave’ group here at Fetlife where the first thread posted by the owner of the group was titled “Disobeying for fun”. I found that to be just about the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard and can’t imagine calling myself a slave with that sort of attitude.
Skillful Observation/Anticipatory Service – When someone I know well is coming to my home, I make sure I have on hand food, drink, music, incidentals, etc., that I know are things they enjoy or desire, specific to brand, flavor, etc. I pay attention to what people around me order in restaurants, the activities they choose to do, the things that make them smile and make their lives easier. And if I know that I’ll be spending time with that person, I’ll be sure to be prepared. If I do this sort of thing for friends, why wouldn’t I do it for my partner? Usually times 10. Anything he’s expressed a like for or an interest in I will make sure is on hand at all times. I notice if he’s running low on toiletries, favorite snacks and drinks, and make sure his laundry is always done in a way he prefers. If I see a book by his favorite author I’m pretty sure he hasn’t read, I’ll buy it for him. If I see that his socks need replacing, I’ll pick some up. If I’m shopping and see something I know that he would enjoy, I’ll get it for him. I believe that this is a core part of service and kind of shake my head when someone mentions it like others didn’t know because I just figure all service types do this sort of thing. I do it without thinking about it so it never even crosses my mind that others don’t.
Strength and Independence – For me, this is one of those things that doesn’t even need to be mentioned. I am strong and independent. I’ve always been my sole source of emotional support, and I’ve always pretty much done what needs to be done to survive. I rarely ask for help, and even then, only when I’m beyond desperate. And when I do ask for help, I absolutely hate it, and always feel debt and guilt about it. Asking my partner for help is not something that will ever come easy for me, no matter if it’s physical help or emotional help.
Space – Again, another given. While I require daily interaction on some level, even if it’s just a quick text, I’ve never been clingy/needy. I think that is tied in with the independence thing. I’ve never understood the need to be clingy. I was married to someone who needed to know exactly where I was at all times of the day, and after a certain time of the day, I wasn’t allowed to go out without a very good reason. If I needed something from the store and it was dark, whatever it was could wait until tomorrow. He knew exactly how long it would take me at the grocery store, and if I was more than 5 minutes over, I dealt with the Spanish Inquisition. I thrive on having my own space, so why would I infringe on someone else’s?
Consistent dependability – See, for me, this falls right into the Service and Obedience lines. How can I provide the service he needs if I’m not dependable? Frankly, I think the addition of ‘consistent’ is almost redundant. If I’m dependable, I’m dependable always.
Protect the Property – This is one I struggle with a little bit. I hate doctors, I hate taking medication, and will usually wait until I absolutely have to before I go to the doctor. But beyond that, I want to be the best I can be. That includes physically, mentally, emotionally. I am a complete person whether I am in a relationship or not. Why would that change when I am in a relationship? I expand my mind all the time. I try to eat right and take care of myself.
The last two for me, Transparency/Vulnerability, are very difficult for me to address. I so crave to have both of those in my relationship. But at my age and with my negative experience with both of these (and not one positive experience to even remotely fall back on), I just plain don’t know that I’ll ever have this in a relationship. I usually have the feeling that I talk too much about myself, that I express too much personal information that someone really doesn’t care about hearing. I hit that point where I can just see his eyes glazing over, and realize that he so isn’t listening to me and really doesn’t care what it is that I’m talking about. I want to get to that point, I really do. But I just don’t believe I’ll ever have a relationship that will include this. My life experience just has given me no reason to believe this will ever happen to me.
I’m the kind of girl for whom his disappointment in me is the harshest punishment I can receive. Knowing that I’ve done something to disappoint makes me punish myself so much harder than he might be inclined to punish me. And so I’m not the kind of girl to behave in a bratty way – unless my boundaries aren’t stated and consistent, then I’ll push them to find out where they truly are. But what that also means is that my every thought, even when I’m being independent and working at my job or doing something totally unrelated to my relationship, centers on him and his needs and his desires of me. I don’t make a decision without him in mind.
And so with all of that, I often find myself wondering about girls who call themselves slave or service submissives who don’t follow these things. I never realized that this list wasn’t accepted as a given in the M/s realm. You learn something new everyday, I guess.