SWLC 2016 – Joy

Every year I choose a word of the year. It is something I want to manifest in my life that year. This year’s word is JOY. I definitely found it at SWLC this year.

I have been hibernating for a year and a half now. Healing. Taking time to just be. My year-end reflection resulted in the idea that SWLC would be the ‘kick off’ event for the new year for me. To stop hibernating so much and rejoin the land of the living. It succeeded in being exactly what I wanted it to be. Continue reading

Looking forward to SWLC and DoS

Getting ready for another SWLC brings a lot of memories, both good and not so good. I wrote a journal entry back in August, that I could have easily written again today, pretty much word for word. It’s a little bit of a wake-up call to realize that today.

I have been stuck, for lack of a better word, for a long time now. I have basically been hibernating for about 20 months. Stuck in this limbo. Not sure what it is that I want so that I can move forward. I still go to work each morning and come home each night to sit in my living room and stare at the computer screen with the TV droning in the background for noise. I sit on my porch or putter around the kitchen, but don’t often leave unless I have to. And in this time I have gained probably 20 pounds that my body didn’t really need to gain. I’ve been dealing with a few health issues that don’t seem to want to go away, and that are probably made worse by the weight gain. I’ve had financial stresses and work stresses. Bratgirl, who is now 21, has come home to stay for a bit, disrupting my normal, sedentary, hibernating routine. Continue reading

Roadrunners and visits from the other realm

I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone the story about Justin and roadrunners. Since the time he moved to Arizona in 2009, Justin was obsessed with seeing a roadrunner. He never did get to see one live. Every time we would drive out of the city, he would look along the highway to see if he could see one. He would always say, ‘maybe I’ll see one today.’ It never happened. Shortly after he passed away last year, I saw one while driving to work one day. Until today, I’ve never seen another one. Continue reading

A Year

In 2008, I met this guy who made me smile and laugh. Then he made me talk and open up. He crawled into places I’ve never let another soul and he dug out the cobwebs. He took a sledgehammer and destroyed the fortress I had spent decades building, knocking it down brick by brick. He pulled me out of the shadows where I feel most comfortable and into the limelight. He saw inside me, to the deep, dark recesses where the shame and the pain and the scared little girl resided. When I said, “I don’t wanna,” he laughed and said, “but you will.” And I surrendered. Continue reading

Long, rambling emotional purge

I have been largely absent from the scene and fetlife now for quite a long time. I pop in on rare occasions, but it’s not as common as it once was. I’ve been hibernating, and not just from the scene, really from life. I feel like I’m reaching a pivotal time in this hibernation, but I’m not sure what that means things will look like. And thus, some heavy processing. Really, the processing has been ongoing for a long time. This post is highly personal. It rambles. I’m not looking for pity. I’m just finding my voice. A way to get some of these emotions out. Continue reading

I could use a good night’s sleep for a change

It’s been awhile since I posted anything personal. Much of my time outside of work has mostly been spent either inside my own head or trying to escape it. I’ve been living alone with Emmy the cat since mid-March, and spending most of my free time alone. I’ve had a lot of time to think and heal. A lot of time to get a handle on a new path, a new future. I have begun to see some possibilities, but I’m mostly just floating along and taking life easy. In some ways, it may look like I’ve checked out. Maybe to a degree I have. Continue reading

Edgewalkers Phoenix 2015

Oh my gosh, where to begin. There is so much to process about this weekend. Friday, I offered to pick up our fearless leader at the airport and give him and another from his traveling party a ride to the site. So my weekend started with good conversation on the ride out to the site. I thoroughly enjoyed getting to know my passengers a bit better.

I haven’t been tent camping in about 15 or so years, and when I did tent camp, my ex-husband did the heavy lifting like putting up the tent. I was always in charge of kitchen setup. I was so very grateful to have three awesome women put up my tent while I fetched stuff. I’m good at fetching stuff, not so good at putting up tents. They did a fantastic job, too, because I made it through the heavy rain and woke completely dry on Sunday morning. And thankfully, they helped me take it down as well. Continue reading

Letting things go

I have been thinking a lot lately about the idea of integrity in Leather. Integrity is defined as “adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.” And yet, I often see behavior that doesn’t seem to hold with this definition. I have experienced it directly, on one recent occasion from someone I’ve known for probably 12 years. On another, from someone I mistakenly placed deep trust in. I see people who are very active in the Leather community, who are upheld as leaders or otherwise regarded as people of honor in the community, but whose behavior, especially in private, doesn’t match the talk. Of course, we do that with predators, too, so I shouldn’t be surprised. We don’t like calling people on their shit. All they have to do is participate, and we’re okay with it. Continue reading

A new place to call home

Last weekend, I moved into a new home. It’s just me and Emmy the cat. It’s the first time I’ve lived completely alone, without another human, since I was 21 years old. This wasn’t in the plan. You know, that life plan I had all mapped out. This wasn’t part of that plan. But I guess Spirit has a different plan. I’m learning to surrender to it.

I’ve had some moments while moving in when I experienced a little bit of anger at Justin. Those moments when I kept thinking, “You’re supposed to be here, too. I’m not supposed to be doing this alone.” Continue reading

SITC – More lessons on this new path

Yesterday would have been my sixth anniversary with my late Sir. It was a bittersweet day. There have been lots of ‘firsts’ since October, others since May, and each one has brought its own lessons and feelings. Sin in the City was no different.

Attending events alone is both comforting and difficult. People ask if I’m coming to the dungeon space at night, and I’m always a little taken aback. No, I didn’t buy a dungeon pass because I don’t have someone to play with. Most of the tops I know and might enjoy playing with are partnered, so the chances of playing is low. I take my toy bag anyway, because you never know what might happen. And at the end of the event I always wonder why I bothered to carry it up from the car. That sounds like I’m whining or being petulant but that isn’t how I mean it. It’s my own baggage that keeps me from playing, not someone else’s. There are lots of things tied up in that for me, and I’m slowly working through them. Continue reading